“I AM LEOPARD BOY…”
I did not want to post about this. This has been a hidden secret of mine for the last 8 years, but something told me when I woke up, I had to share my story because that’s what thehidden is all about. If you don’t want to read this, and don’t care about what I have to say then I’d advise you to stop reading. If you’re looking to buy something, then I’d also advise you to stop reading. There will be no call to action. There will be no “40% off to any one who reads this article”. There will be no “sign up here.” There will be no selling of any kind in this post. But if you’re curious about what I’m about to say then please continue.
I woke up this morning, looking at my hands. Yes…my hands. I began to notice the rough edges, the lack of long finger nails, and most importantly the spots. This morning, as I sat there in my bed, glaring at my own hands, I began to realize that these were the scars that ultimately led me to two things:
- building my self-confidence
- building thehidden
“But It didn’t always start out this way”
I wasn’t always the person I am today. I used to be the exact opposite: shy, quiet, and insecure. If I were to date it back to when this behavior began, it would have to be when I was 12 years old. More specially, this behavior began in the summer of 2010. I remember playing outside, with friends, before taking a hard fall. As a result, I was left with a deep scar slashed across my left knee. I remember staring at that cut, as the blood oozed out of my skin, before running inside to seek help.
I starred at that scar for weeks, watching it turn from an open wound to a white scar. All of this occurred within 3 weeks and I thought everything was okay once the scar had fully healed. But I was wrong…In the following weeks, I started to notice white dots appear around the scar. Before I knew it, the same dots appeared on my hands and feet. I was so confused as to what was happening, and my mom took me to see a doctor in order to find out what was wrong.
I sat there, in a chair, as the doctor examined my hands and feet. He even touched the old scar before looking deep into my eyes. I remember his look: it was serious yet comforting in a way. He had discovered the reason for the appearance of dots and even though he hadn’t told me, I believed it was going to be okay.
“…You have Vitiligo.”
He looks at me and he says I have this condition. I remember in that moment, after he told me I had Vitiligo, I froze. The world around me seemed to continue but my world, as I knew it , managed to stop. I looked at my mother who didn’t know what to say. For those who know me best, I turn to my mother for anything. And when she didn’t know what to do in that moment, I felt truly lost. I remember my first thought was “What will my friends think?”. The doctor could see it on my face and he tried to comfort me by saying: “Michael Jackson had the same thing”. (that did not help.)
For those who don’t know, Vitiligo is a condition in which the pigment is lost from areas of the skin, causing whitish patches, often with no clear cause. And when I found out that there was no clear explanation for it, I knew I couldn’t explain it to my friends. In fact, by the end of that summer, I was petrified of going back to school.
My mother tried to encourage me to accept the “thing” that marked me, in order to make me think things were going to be okay. But, by the first week of school, things were far from okay.
“Where do I belong?”
And then came the bullying. Of course, when you’re in middle school, appearance is everything. It’s the first time in your life where you get to form your own identity and decide who you’re going to be….in theory. As for me, I struggled. Going to an all white school, with a few other students of color, I was too black for the white kids and too white for the black kids..so where did I belong? And now, to make matters worse, I had these white spots that made me truly stuck in the middle between white and black.
As if an internal struggle wasn’t enough, the name calling made it worse. Some called me Michael Jackson, while others labeled me “leopard boy”. This “thing” that I had growing across my hands and feet, served as a metaphorical sign that read “kick me.”
As the months went on, and things got worse, I began to strategically place my hands in my pockets. I would avoid hand shakes at any cost, and more importantly, I’d keep my hands out of sight as long as I could. I was ashamed. But..things got better.
“What’s up with your hands?”
The next summer, I enrolled at this summer camp. And while there I had met this kid named Eli who single highhandedly changed my perspective of my spots. I remember it like it was yesterday: We were both in the bathroom, washing our hands. Through the soap and water, Eli noticed my spots. “yo bro what’s up with your hands?” he asked. I remember I froze trying to find a reasonable , “cool” explanation, but I couldn’t before he beat me to the punch. “That shit is cool bro. It makes you unique.” he said before walking out of the bathroom.
In that moment, in that bathroom, I started to accept my thing as being unique. I remember walking out of that bathroom with my a chest a little more out and my hands finally out of my pockets. I felt proud to have them and although there has been some ups and downs, I accept that my spots are a part of who I am and what makes me…me. So I ask..if you’ve read this far…what’s the “thing” that you hide from every one else?
I invite you to accept that thing, whatever it may be, and use it to build your self. Forget other people’s opinions and live on your own terms…that’s what I’m doing.
I promise you once you accept it, life becomes a little bit less scary. It becomes something cool and something to share with others to help them accept who they are. I’m a firm believer that we are all NOT alike, so we should stop trying to be. That’s what thehidden is all about; not hiding who you are and accepting your flaws in order to be the best you. As corny as that may sound, it’s true.
I’d appreciate it if you share this story. If it spoke to you, in any way, pass it a long to the next person because I think it’s something we all need to understand. I think we all need to understand that we have a leopard boy or girl in all of us.
#stayhidden
